Your face is a jimmy john
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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