I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
