i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
