You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
