I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
