well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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