I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
