Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
