I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
