I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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