you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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