I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
