my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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