so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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