One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
BRING THE BAGELS
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
