You just made me feel so damn special
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I don't deserve a penis
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
