I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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