its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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