Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
