There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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