There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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