I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
