I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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