She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The air was thick with penises
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
