It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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