New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
