we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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