Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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