If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
where are my eyebrows?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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