you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Randomize
