I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
