I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
