Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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