then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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