The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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