Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
