what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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