i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
