So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Someone shit on the floor
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
