He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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