I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
