I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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