I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
