I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
