Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
