you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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