I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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