Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
