I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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