i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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