One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
